"SOUL MATE" - THE CONCEPT OF JEWISH MARRIAGE
By Dr Naftali Loewenthal
by courtesy of Concord, December 2003.
A person, man or woman, is composed of a body and a soul. Jewish Chassidic teachings speak of two aspects of the soul: the "Animal Soul", which is interested in animal activities, such as food, pleasure, lust, and relates closely to the body; and the "Divine Soul", which is concerned with spiritual activities, such as connecting with G-d through prayer and good deeds in one's daily life.
Two people, a man and a woman, may relate together on the level of the Animal Soul. The Animal Soul in one stirs the Animal Soul in the other. But are these two people really made for each other? According to Jewish mystical thought , each boy or girl when they are born have only "half" of their respective Divine Soul. When they meet in marriage the two halves come together and become one. This is the true spiritual unity of these two people.
The Talmud refers to this idea in its statement that "forty days before the formation of a boy child" there is heavenly announcement that "the daughter of X" is to be his wife. She is likely to be younger than him, so she is defined as "the daughter of X" rather than giving her name. Neither of these two children have yet been born, but they are designated as being future partners. According to Jewish thought, the two Divine Souls exist long before they are born in this world. They reside under the Divine "Throne of Glory".
Then in the process of conception, pregnancy and birth, the two souls are drawn into the world each in its own physical body. Yet they are still "half souls". The boy and girl each have a half soul which will be complete when they marry. This process mirrors the creation of Adam and Eve, as explained by the Jewish Sages.
According to the commentary on the Bible by Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki, generally known as Rashi (11th century France), when Adam was first created he was Janus formed and combined both a male on one side and a female on the other. G-d then divided the two forms, by splitting their backs apart, and separated them. The word tzela usually translated "rib" can also mean "side", as in Exodus 26:20. G-d took one "side" from the double figure, and closed its back. Thus man and woman, originally one unit, were divided (see Rashi to Genesis 2:21).
The Biblical text in Genesis states "therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh". (Gen.2:24). Originally they were one, and now, having been divided into two separate half-souls, when they marry they return to each other and become one again. Thus they each become the true "soul mate" for one another.
The choice of a Divine Soul-mate depends on factors rather different from the preferences of the Animal Soul. This is where the process of careful selection of a possible partner by one's parents, mentors, Rabbis and the shadchan, the traditional match-maker, is more likely to hit the mark than a casual meeting at a party.
The choice is made on the basis of spiritual direction, educational compatibility, more-or-less matching background. When the possible future couple meet, they assess the "chemistry". The Animal Soul has to be content at the proposed match, not in revolt at something imposed externally. But the chemistry is not the greatest priority.
Instead they are searching to find if this is my "Divine Soul-mate". It can be a difficult decision to make. In some cases, it seems obvious right from the start. In others there are many meetings in order to come to a decision. There may be several prospective matches which are turned down by one or other party, or both, before the right shidduch ('match') is found.
When the couple are united under the traditional Marriage Canopy, and the bride walks seven times round the groom, bonding to him with her seven spiritual faculties, and he puts a ring on her finger saying "behold you are betrothed to me", with all the other aspects of a traditional Jewish wedding, then their two half souls become one. Another explanation of the bride walking round the groom is that a spiritual 'wall' is being built, which will protect the holiness of their union. Indeed, from then on, he is totally focused on her, and she is totally focused on him.
The Animal Soul is content, but is actually placed in a secondary role. Both the bride and groom try to make their Divine Soul rule them, connecting them to each other and to G-d, though the sacred Torah teachings, guiding them how to live as man and wife, and how to set up a Jewish home where the Divine Presence will dwell. Because through Jewish marriage the two half Divine-Souls bond together, with a tremendous positive spiritual force, there is a strong focus on their wonderful union.
As a result, the two Animal Souls are completely satisfied and their inner thirst is fulfilled in a healthy and appropriate way. They join with the bonding of the Divine Souls, joyful that they are part of a structure which includes two people who are right for each other in practical and spiritual terms, and approved by the teachings and direction of the sacred Torah. Thus in marriage guided by the Torah both the Divine Soul and the Animal Soul achieve a wholesome and joyful sense of completion and fulfilment.
The husband and wife know that their union includes three partners: a man, a woman, and G-d. The Sages tell us that they create a dwelling for the Divine in this world. The family is truly sacred, and is an expression of the sacred Divine Name, the Tetragrammaton (Name with Four Letters): the husband is the Yud, the wife is the Heh, the sons represent the Vav, graphically an extension of the Yud, and the daughters signify the second Heh.
Sometimes…. Sometimes, tragically, one of the partners is taken by G-d. The marriage was wonderful, but one of the partners left this world. Hopefully, eventually the remaining partner will marry again and create a new union. Again, sometimes, tragically, the marriage does not work out as it should. It may be that no-one was at fault in any way. What seemed a perfect union turns out to be unsuitable because of some key issue. The Rabbi, the shadchan (matchmaker), the mentors and marriage counselors all try their best to help the couple come to terms with each other. But this does not always work. In some cases, unfortunately, there is inappropriate behaviour. This should not take place in any life-style, and certainly not in Jewish life. Yet sometimes it does. Each person has free will, and the Animal Soul is still a part of his or her personality, and sometimes it takes control.
If for whatever reason the couple feel they cannot continue together, they decide to part and to make a fresh start. Jewish teaching permits divorce. The Talmud says the Altar in the Temple weeps when a couple get divorced. Nonetheless it is permitted. The two half souls have to separate, through the delicate process of Jewish divorce.
Hopefully, the two people will try again, and reach a more lasting and positive result. Each person's Divine Soul is quite complex. It has different aspects to it, called in Hebrew: Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama. Each of these words translates into English as 'soul'. It seems that a second marriage is again a combination of two half Divine Souls - but of different aspects of the Soul, in each case.
That union which was there in the first marriage is now in the past, but any children it produced are real. The new union is another opportunity for two halves of a Divine Soul to join together and create a dwelling for G-d in This World.
oooooooooooooooooooo